crap.
i feel like crap. i feel like crap. i feel like crap.
i wonder if i keep saying that, i'll feel better.
very old insecurities rising up in me... I vowed never to get into a situation that would let those insecurities arise. I thought that was maturing. It's just ignorance. and my procrastination in letting God take care of those things has gotten the better of me.
It's so easy to just curl up in a corner and wallow in it too- just tell myself how much i dislike myself. How much i am so insecure. How much I try too hard to please people. How much I don't know crap about how to maintain good relationships. How much I just simply don't know how to love, yet i try to look like it. Because that's what i used to do, and that's why i buried it. The worst part is that it seems so self centered. It's just about me and nobody else. me, myself, and I.
i'm such a jerk-ass sometimes.
But I know that God didn't expose these old wounds for nothing. I know God didn't bring those memories back from junior high for no reason. God wants to heal me, not rip the wound open again... yet, it's amazing how similar healing and hurting feel.
I wonder sometimes if i messed up somewhere along this current healing process. Maybe I messed up God's plan to heal me. So that's why i'm back in the old cycle i used to be in in junior high.
But by saying that, I greatly underestimate who God is.
God, I just want this to stop. I just want it to all be over. I want to never look at these parts of my life again. I want to just pretend like they never happened. I want to avoid all that instability i used to have.
But God didn't come just so we could avoid sin, but that the sin would lose its foothold and power in our lives. And ignorance empowers sin, even though we'd hope it didn't.
I'm sorry this is so vague. I just feel really in the pits. I feel alone in the dark.
Are you really the light of the world? Are you really my stronghold and fortress? Are you really Jehovah Rapha, the healer of all wounds? Can I really believe that?
my heart is sick with an illness i'm too scared of to let God heal...
i feel like crap. i feel like crap. i feel like crap.
i wonder if i keep saying that, i'll feel better.
very old insecurities rising up in me... I vowed never to get into a situation that would let those insecurities arise. I thought that was maturing. It's just ignorance. and my procrastination in letting God take care of those things has gotten the better of me.
It's so easy to just curl up in a corner and wallow in it too- just tell myself how much i dislike myself. How much i am so insecure. How much I try too hard to please people. How much I don't know crap about how to maintain good relationships. How much I just simply don't know how to love, yet i try to look like it. Because that's what i used to do, and that's why i buried it. The worst part is that it seems so self centered. It's just about me and nobody else. me, myself, and I.
i'm such a jerk-ass sometimes.
But I know that God didn't expose these old wounds for nothing. I know God didn't bring those memories back from junior high for no reason. God wants to heal me, not rip the wound open again... yet, it's amazing how similar healing and hurting feel.
I wonder sometimes if i messed up somewhere along this current healing process. Maybe I messed up God's plan to heal me. So that's why i'm back in the old cycle i used to be in in junior high.
But by saying that, I greatly underestimate who God is.
God, I just want this to stop. I just want it to all be over. I want to never look at these parts of my life again. I want to just pretend like they never happened. I want to avoid all that instability i used to have.
But God didn't come just so we could avoid sin, but that the sin would lose its foothold and power in our lives. And ignorance empowers sin, even though we'd hope it didn't.
I'm sorry this is so vague. I just feel really in the pits. I feel alone in the dark.
Are you really the light of the world? Are you really my stronghold and fortress? Are you really Jehovah Rapha, the healer of all wounds? Can I really believe that?
my heart is sick with an illness i'm too scared of to let God heal...
posted by Daniel at
11:31 PM
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