I went into last school year with a goal to learn how to cultivate friendships (not relationships) with girls. It's been so unhealthy to listen to the christian propoganda of not dating in highschool. Not that the reasons are bad, but because it seems any friendship period is wrong if it's with a girl. Coming out of that, i realized i had such a bad mentality- either the girl is my enemy, or she's my wife. Okay. so maybe a little exaggerated. I had friends that were girls, but i always kept a good distance from them, so i wouldn't displease the church by falling in love. Thus, my friendships were quite unbalanced. 

The cool thing is that God really helped me get out of that mentality this last school year. There wasn't the awkwardness that came out of that unconcious mentality anymore. It was real cool. I was friends with girls without any wrong motives... well to say no motives would be a bit unrealistic, but they were significantly less. I made some pretty good friends that were girls.

But now i'm back home, and it feels like i'm back to square one.  I can't seem to put down that barrier of fear, and just be friends. My words all of a sudden seem awkward again whenever i'm around female friends from home, and i do those things i do when i'm uncomfortable in a social situation... like my left hand grabbing my right elbow, my right hand going through my hair, then rubbing my nose, then crossing my right foot over my left foot so that i'm standing on one leg, then switching...  

And no,  you girls at home, it's not your fault. Not your fault at all. Just me and my stupid social disabilities... Just know i'm trying, and know that i need help.

It's so hard to change old habits when i'm back home. All the mountains i've conquered seem to have moved back in front of me. Jesus, it says in the Psalms that you "melt the mountains like wax"... My heart keeps forgetting that reality.  I need you to prove Your reality to me again and again...