Watching for change

Thursday, April 14, 2005

On Being Silent

(warning... length is out of control, because i'm just spewing out what's in my head)


okay. my thoughts on the day of silence aren't well put together, but i figure i should write an entry about it before i forget.

First let me say that Western Christian culture sucks. It just plain bites. It is defined by fear and legalism. And it is because of that fear that there are sectors of society that are totally repulsed by Christianity. They associate Christianity with an extremist conservative agenda. And it's sad. A lot of what's said in the church is more influenced by American conservative culture than by what's in the Bible itself. It's sad.

However, I also can't deny that God said that homosexuality was wrong.

I think that's the struggle i had this day. At one moment, I was almost proud I was wearing that shirt, showing how much I "loved" the LGBT community. And then at other moments, I'd be scared that it looked like I was supporting something that God clearly said was wrong. It's like there's a struggle in my head to unite God's unconditional love He showed through Jesus with the Samaritan woman at the well and the almost-stoned sinful woman and God's unconditional hatred of s3xual sin. I detest thinking like this... but is there supposed to be a line? I would usually scoff at people who say this because i'm a big "God's grace" kind of guy. Well, i realized i had a bunch of ideas about God's "grace" and "love" that I didn't really believe because they wilted real quickly when put to the test.

Furthermore, my "love" is so fake. Because once I came by someone that I knew, all these fears crept up on me. What if they thought i was gay? What if this tarnishes my image as a "perfect" christian? as Joe Lee put very nicely- we may have slapped on a shirt, but that hasn't really changed our hearts. I am still afraid to talk to homosexuals. I believe in an idea of love that I do not act out in real life. 1 John 3:18 comes back at me and bites me. I realize that the "love" i try to show to the homosexual community is more about myself than letting them see Christ's love. And i'm disgusted with myself for that.

The experience of actually being silent? I felt like i wanted to burst out at my seams. There were so many jokes I wanted to say, so many encouragements I wanted to give. But I just couldn't say anything. Is this how it really is for the LGBT community? The worst was at the inter-fellowship prayer meeting. Almost all the IV people were taking vows of silence. It felt like the rest of the fellowships didn't understand at all. When someone tried explaining it for us, it just made things worse. It seemed to come out that we support homosexuality. I was imagining their thoughts in my head. Supporting gays and lesbians? IV has really turned way too liberal to be Christian. Let's just smile in support so that they don't know that we're disgusted with them, and we'll talk about it amongst ourselves later... It was so bad that when we tried getting them to pray for it, they felt nervous even saying the word "gay". Every time the word came up, there was an obvious 3 second pause before they said the word. It was like saying the word was something so taboo that even to say it would de-sanctify prayer. ugh. the stupidity. I think it’s funny that IV is probably seen as the most heretical and liberal group of Christians just because it goes into areas that the church is afraid to go into, and it goes in with all boldness. Simply out of trying to bring people together from different backgrounds, IV has been labeled as way too charismatic, liberal, heretical, and even cultish. Look, just because we read the Bible more than Calvin’s TULIP doesn’t mean we’re not Christians.

(sidenote: okay, so I’m a little bitter against Calvinism. I just need a nice, logical Calvinist friend to show me reasonably how all of the stuff they hold onto, like pre-destination, etc. is so important that that’s all you talk about in church. Not that it’s not important… it’s just that right now, in my cultural mindset, none of it is important, and the way people worship Calvin and his ideas like a god doesn’t help me get a better balanced viewpoint… I just need one SMART Calvinist that doesn’t just list off TULIP and some supporting verses and is willing to walk through the logical reasons for Calvinist theology… simple as that. I want to hear about Calvinism minus all the Calvinist Christian culture. Simple as that. Oi. God, humble me and keep me from being stubborn… sorry if anyone is offended by my soreness toward calvinism at the moment... currently, I've only been receiving negative impressions of Calvinism. Maybe if someone would be so kind and show me a positive example of Calvinism, it will all be better. (if I keep writing about this… It’ll turn into another separate post…))

There is one thing I despise more than s3xual immorality and it’s the way the church approaches it. It approaches it at a stance of condemnation, in the name of “truth” and “not backing down from our beliefs”. It seems that not backing down from our beliefs about s3xual immorality leads us to back down from the example of Jesus’s love for each and every one of us, no matter how much we’ve sinned. Yeah, it’s true, we “cheapen” God’s grace by taking advantage of it and continuing in our sin. But I also believe that we not only cheapen, but take away all the value of grace by forgetting about God’s grace and replacing it with legalism.

Honestly, this all makes me sick to the stomach, because I realize I am not only criticizing the church, but I’m also criticizing myself and my own hypocrisy. We’re all a bunch of brooding vipers… God, break this pharisaical spirit in us…

God, help me to love others as you loved others. And help me to stand for justice... and righteousness.

Was listening to Relient K randomly… don’t listen to them that often anymore. Anyways, this song, which I didn’t like that much before, really stuck out like a sore thumb. The freaking lyrics are exactly the thoughts that were racing through my head today:

Down in Flames

Christians-- we're all afraid of fire.

We prefer to suck on pacifiers.

Baby pacifists, we're throwing fits.

We don't shake hands, we shake our fists.

We're cannibals.

We watch our brothers fall.

We eat our own, the bones and all.

Finally fell asleep on the plane

to wake to see we're going down in flames.

We're going down, down, down in flames.

We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.

We see the problem and the risk,

but nothing's solved.

We just say, "Tisk, tisk, tisk,"

and, "Shame, shame, shame."

Finally fell asleep on the plane

to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Let's go!

Christians-- we mourn, the thorn is stuck

in the side of the body watch it self-destruct.

The enemy is much ignored

when we fight this Christian civil war.

We're cannibals.

We watch our brothers fall.

We eat our own, the bones and all.

Let me pause to clarify

('cause I'm sure you're asking, "Why?").

I stand before you and proudly claim

to belong to what this song complains.

I'm part of the problem,

I confess,

But I gotta get this off my chest.

Let's extinguish the anguish

for which we're to blame,

and save the world

from going down in flames.


2 Comments:

  • i dig this post man. Personally, it angers me that christians have such an image problem. it's like the revival of neo-pharisees. I'm a pharisee too...i have problems being humble and not boasting in my own actions...but man....to realize that a community can't unite ONE day to express and share in the needs of those who are marginalized....makes me sad. To be honest, i'd rather be labeled as someone who supports homosexuality and/or is a homosexual than be someone who just sits on the boundaries never encountering those Jesus called us to love. I'm tired of it. It's great how christianity today shuns all external opinions that negate the church while claiming that only God's opinion matters....but when it comes down to standing in for those who are being oppressed....we are consumed with these external forces that'll eventually fade anyway.

    God help us.

    by the way, my opinion about calvinism is that it's just a reaction to the enlightenment ideals that were so prominent in Calvin's time...which by the way was very liberal and groundbreaking during his time. But...it's time to move on. haha.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:22 PM  

  • i'm proud of what you guys did! let the church be bolder in stepping into the messy issues.

    -andrew

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:59 AM  

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