i'm tired of this lonliness
i'm tired of these substitutes to make it feel like it's not here
i'm tired of being everyone's friend but not really having any at all.
i'm tired of being in the center of everything, yet in reality, i am in the fringes of it all.
i'm tired of getting stretched out
i'm tired of trying to live in two worlds at the same time
i'm tired of futily trying to bring them together

i'm tired of myself.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.

i surrender.

i comtemplated why it was worth living today. it's hard to see personal purpose when you can't see your own community. It was so hard to see reality. It was so easy to give up to myself instead of to God. I almost came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth living anymore. i was so tired. tired of all this crap. tired of ideals. tired of purity. tired of love. tired of giving and never having the sense of receiving. it's so draining. and it never really becomes reality to me. it all just stays an ideal. in this darkness of lonliness, it becomes so easy to give up.

But i refuse to lose sight of reality. I refuse to lose sight of that light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to let depression take hold. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.

where is that voice i so need to hear? that voice that calmly says
"you are not alone"
"Every dream i put in your heart is a promise, and I don't break promises"
"you are not alone"
"There is still hope"
"you are not alone"
"I will guide you through the valley of darkness"
"you are not alone"
"I will bring the divided pieces of your life together"
"you are not alone"
"You are my beloved"
"you are not alone"

i need to hear You... I need to see You... sin, confusion, apathy and pride block my senses. Come pierce through these lead plates.

i need victory... are You really the Lord that wins the battle for all those kings that loved You? Why is it I feel like i am losing this battle? do I not love You enough? but how could they love You enough also? is it really humanly possible to love You enough? i am so damn confused.

what do I do?