where will this line of introspection take me...
The late hour brings out the desires i usually hide, the unanswered questions...


I keep thinking i've found you...
but everytime i think i've found her,
she turns around and it's not who i was looking for.
It comes to the point in which i'm not sure what i'm really looking for.
This aspiration... this hope... is so real. I can feel it in my bones... it must be out there. but at the same time it is so elusive. It keeps hiding from me. It drives me crazy.

I am tempted to just stop looking for what i'm looking for.
If it's as perfect as people say it is, it should come to me.
Or will it?

what if i miss it?
What if i miss the chance to change my life?

I stop to think about how much time i waste thinking about some person i may meet or never even lay my eyes on.

I stop to think about how much this thinking is centered on myself.

I stop to think... what if that person doesn't exist?
Will i be at peace with God?
Will i shake my fist at him?
Do I really believe he is the source and supply of everything?
Is HE really the answer to every desire i've ever had?

God, if you aren't going to fulfill these desires... take them away...
God, if I can't move away from having these desires about myself... take them away...

Why must humans feel?
Why must humans desire?
Why must humans be selfish?

God, if you are really real, then i must refuse to settle.
But what if you're just a figment of my imagination?

Have i wasted all my time on this earth when i could have been enjoying myself?
This thing called Christianity is so masochistic without a real God.

God, will you be silent forever?

my patience wanes. I am only a man. I am not slow to anger as you are. I'm only slow to understand your heart.

oh TO KNOW...

but then it brings me back to that paradox in which to really know is to know that you know nothing... It's a catchy phrase, but something in my head won't accept that as an answer.

anyways, i'm done with my stupid attempt at stream of conciousness. bye.

mind games

she sits there in my head.
I feel like i'm settling.
for another mental representation.
there has never been anything real.
and somehow my mind is consumed.
by something that is not real.
no, please, not again.
I'm sick of these mind games.
Jesus, i want freedom from this.



anyways, i don't know what i'm really talking about. something's not right with my head tonight. God, set my head right.

the posts here get ridiculously depressing sometime. that's why this blog's been on hiatus. it makes me feel depressed. anyways. the hiatus continues... now.

our generation needs:

Genuineness.

Acts of power.

Potent reality.

Come, Holy spirit. Come.