today, when i was looking for people who didn't give me their prayer tags after large group, i found someone sitting alone sobbing in one of the stair rooms.
"are you alright?"
"i- i- i can't hear God's voice anymore"

deep inside, something broke in me. something pulled at me. the same scars of doubt that i had no idea what to do with... freshly on her heart. the frustration, the anger, the depression of.... silence. memories of how everyone tried to give me empty advice on how i wasn't disciplined enough, how I was too sinful, how i wasn't fasting enough... when all there really was at the time was... silence.

the quiet desperation on her face is imprinted in my mind. i can't quite shake it, because i have shared in that desperation.

And looking back, i'm not sure how i started hearing His voice again. i don't know how to explain it. I just know it is more real than it ever was before... but the tinge of pain from silence is still there.

even so... if it weren't for my scars, i wouldn't know how to pray for her. but still, what could my prayers, my words... ever do for her? Even though i suppose God still used those prayers... do they just fall flat on the ground?

God, use my weakness to give others strength... and please let that person know that you are right there with her...

never before have i been able to relate to paul's words at this level:

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

what is faith? being sure of what we hope for and what we cannot see...

it's a very hard concept to swallow if you think about it. because faith is simply stupid. whenever i say that, people politely correct me and say it is "foolish". well... it's the same thing. it's just stupid.
yet it has produced results that have been beyond anything we could ever have done on our own. But logically, it's not supposed to work like that. right? faith... and it's closely related cousin hope, are against all individualistic natural tendencies in our nature. If we were to put this all in an evolutionary context, humanity should be because of its high value in hope and faith. but instead, hope and faith has pushed humanity past its limits and has prolonged its existence.

anyways, this is too unorganized in my head right now to write anymore. for another time when i'm sober.