hahaha i read something in someone's xanga, and it got me thinking... God used it, and it hit some tender spots in my heart... so you can all look at the rants that i vomit out in my 4th entry in this blog today. And if you read this and it looks like i ripped off all your ramblings, sorry. I'm biting off of you because i thought it was provocative how you said it and you pointed out the obvious that i could not see.
I have been so mad at romantic love, so embittered against it. For good reasons too. But I think what happened was this. In junior high years, i struggled with my first feelings of what i thought was love. And the pain i received from those infatuations had led to so much pain. Actually it was just one experience that gave me so much pain. I convinced myself it was love, but it wasn't. It was a stupid infatuation. I would even make excuses and put costumes on those excuses to make it look like God's voice. It was infatuation, and i wouldn't admit it. It was wrong, and i wouldn't admit it. And God had to end it himself because I wasn't going to do it. ANd then i became embittered. Not against God, because i understood what He did and had no choice but to allow him to. But it embittered me against love. Relationship love to be specific. But all that time after that, i fought with all my heart not to fall in love again. But instead of just getting rid of infatuation, i destroyed the very element of relationship. Not just relationship with a girl, but relationships with people. In an effort to suppress the eros (romantic) feelings i had, i destroyed the phileo (friendship) love along with it.
It took me so long to heal what i had tried to kill off. Even now, it's hard to have friendships. I am introspective. But much of the phileo love i had become so embittered against has become restored...
but that romantic love... I don't know if i still want it. But God keeps bugging me. He says, You can't know my AGAPE (unconditional, complete love) until you know every aspect of love, including romantic love. And He's showing me that what I thought was romantic love wasn't romantic love, it was infatuation. I don't think God's telling me to go ahead and fall in love. He's telling me to drop this bitterness i hold against romantic love. To drop this bitterness i've built up against those who have fallen in love, and i have thought abandoned me. To drop the bitterness i've built up against those i have fallen in love with. God is saying, drop your bitterness, not your guard. And there's such a fine line between those that I have never been able to see.
God, teach me how to love... Because i don't even know what it is.
I have been so mad at romantic love, so embittered against it. For good reasons too. But I think what happened was this. In junior high years, i struggled with my first feelings of what i thought was love. And the pain i received from those infatuations had led to so much pain. Actually it was just one experience that gave me so much pain. I convinced myself it was love, but it wasn't. It was a stupid infatuation. I would even make excuses and put costumes on those excuses to make it look like God's voice. It was infatuation, and i wouldn't admit it. It was wrong, and i wouldn't admit it. And God had to end it himself because I wasn't going to do it. ANd then i became embittered. Not against God, because i understood what He did and had no choice but to allow him to. But it embittered me against love. Relationship love to be specific. But all that time after that, i fought with all my heart not to fall in love again. But instead of just getting rid of infatuation, i destroyed the very element of relationship. Not just relationship with a girl, but relationships with people. In an effort to suppress the eros (romantic) feelings i had, i destroyed the phileo (friendship) love along with it.
It took me so long to heal what i had tried to kill off. Even now, it's hard to have friendships. I am introspective. But much of the phileo love i had become so embittered against has become restored...
but that romantic love... I don't know if i still want it. But God keeps bugging me. He says, You can't know my AGAPE (unconditional, complete love) until you know every aspect of love, including romantic love. And He's showing me that what I thought was romantic love wasn't romantic love, it was infatuation. I don't think God's telling me to go ahead and fall in love. He's telling me to drop this bitterness i hold against romantic love. To drop this bitterness i've built up against those who have fallen in love, and i have thought abandoned me. To drop the bitterness i've built up against those i have fallen in love with. God is saying, drop your bitterness, not your guard. And there's such a fine line between those that I have never been able to see.
God, teach me how to love... Because i don't even know what it is.
posted by Daniel at
9:36 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home