i'm so tired of this aloneness
nothing can remedy it...
there is no community left.
i'm so tired of this fragmentation
i'm so tired of feeling alien with friends
i'm so tired...
and all i want is to return home
but there is no home left for me.
home isn't a place
it's...

How can i feel the lack of something i don't even understand?

There's just some friends that i just want to say "screw you" when they say it's my own fault and i wasn't maintaining friendships... it seems like just a load of bs.

But unfortunately...
they're right... i want to be so mad at people for not maintaining friendship, but how can i be mad when i tried even less? I'm so sick of the selfishness inside of me. I want to be mad at people but all that's left to be mad at is myself.

I need community. All of my efforts have fallen short. I feel so hopeless here... I had always kept community back at home as my backup whenever something went wrong at ucsd. now... there's nothing to fall back on. except for God. ha.

It's ridiculous how i can say that so easily, yet i don't really believe it at all.

the area of community in my life is filled with so much hypocrisy.