Think what great things would happen if the church wasn't so split on theological issues that divide them like the charismatic vs. conservative argument... I hate how there is no balance these days in churches. They're either so caught up in the work of the H.S. that they forget the other disciplines of Christian faith and devalue them, or they've been so scared of the H.S. that they have devalued the messenger Jesus said would come (and did come) that would empower us to do all things. 

Anyways, I just came out of the BAAYF counselor training... The policies are to get rid of the fear of the holy spirit... yet, in order not to offend people of different theological backgrounds, there's so much red tape that has been put around the issue of the H.S. It makes me, as a charismatic christian, unable to share who God is to ME to the campers... Shouldn't we be able to share each person's background's strengths to bless others? Also, the bible study seemed to correlate the H.S. to the end times, which the H.S. is, but is not all about. All the bible study's verses seemed to do was emphasize on a lot of smoke, blood red moons, and chaos. It seemed to turn my beliefs about the H.S. into horror stories and folk tales.

but oh well. I need to work under the rules and authorities that GOD has put up, no matter how illogical it may seem to ME... it's not about ME! I realize a lot of my criticisms somehow end up centering around ME... and that's where i need to work on. It's not about ME...

I went into last school year with a goal to learn how to cultivate friendships (not relationships) with girls. It's been so unhealthy to listen to the christian propoganda of not dating in highschool. Not that the reasons are bad, but because it seems any friendship period is wrong if it's with a girl. Coming out of that, i realized i had such a bad mentality- either the girl is my enemy, or she's my wife. Okay. so maybe a little exaggerated. I had friends that were girls, but i always kept a good distance from them, so i wouldn't displease the church by falling in love. Thus, my friendships were quite unbalanced. 

The cool thing is that God really helped me get out of that mentality this last school year. There wasn't the awkwardness that came out of that unconcious mentality anymore. It was real cool. I was friends with girls without any wrong motives... well to say no motives would be a bit unrealistic, but they were significantly less. I made some pretty good friends that were girls.

But now i'm back home, and it feels like i'm back to square one.  I can't seem to put down that barrier of fear, and just be friends. My words all of a sudden seem awkward again whenever i'm around female friends from home, and i do those things i do when i'm uncomfortable in a social situation... like my left hand grabbing my right elbow, my right hand going through my hair, then rubbing my nose, then crossing my right foot over my left foot so that i'm standing on one leg, then switching...  

And no,  you girls at home, it's not your fault. Not your fault at all. Just me and my stupid social disabilities... Just know i'm trying, and know that i need help.

It's so hard to change old habits when i'm back home. All the mountains i've conquered seem to have moved back in front of me. Jesus, it says in the Psalms that you "melt the mountains like wax"... My heart keeps forgetting that reality.  I need you to prove Your reality to me again and again...

so... i just feel like rambling right now... i doubt any of this makes sense... and so begins my usual stream of concious rant that i think is real intelligent but i can't even put together when i read it...
 
It's so funny how i want things so much, and when i finally get them, they're really annoying.
 
friendships... you can't enjoy the good parts of people if you can't stand the bad parts of people. It seems i am crushed with criticism against people... so that it becomes almost impossible to truly be their friend...
 
They say religion is the opiate for the people. I'd say that apathy is far more effective.
 
Apathy. It feels so good. But it feels so confining at the same time.  It is because of that uncomfortable confinement that we can't break free... it's a catch 22 i guess.
 
I really hated that book. That was stream of concious as it should be. it wasn't the literal style... neither am i denying the author's talent. It's just it was so good, that i felt like i was drawn into the same insanity as the character... and it was scary... i guess that's one of the reasons i couldn't finish it. it's a pity. I do that to so many things.
 
I did it to fight club. I felt so drawn into the insanity that i had to stop. I've never finishedthe movie. I don't know the ending. instead, i live in fear of where i stopped and never see the whole picture.
 
and now i really need to stop doing this because it hurts my head, and i need to sleep. 

you know... it's been a little disappointing.
Coming back from college, i hoped i could get a break from drama in SD for a while and get a breath of mature, drama-less friendship again. But i made the mistake of not maintaining. So now i'm stuck alone at home.  I hate how i always mess up friendships one way or the other. Well, it's not your fault daniel. But it is my fault.
 
Anyways, i'm going through this bible study this summer on community. Actually i'm leading it. And the worst part, is that when i finally get to teach on it, i have lost all sense of it. Maybe this is how God wants it. He wants me to know what it feels to lack community so that i know how to value community. Or maybe God simply wants to demonstrate His power by creating community in the most uncommunity kind of of situation... whatever it could be, before i confuse myself to death, it's in God's hands.

i succombed to it again...

it's like i'm in a dark tunnel... the end is so far that the mouth of the tunnel is just a speck in the darkness... surrounding me are other little christmas lights distracting me from walking towards the real light... i'm sick of the counterfeits...

yesterday was day one after four days of intense spiritual attack that i feel i finished the day victoriously.