jason ting from my bible study in UCSD just gave this excerpt from Oswald Chambers. Spoke directly into the things i am struggling with lately.
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August 30th.
AM I CONVINCED BY CHRIST?
"Notwithstanding in this rejoice not . . . , but rather rejoice because your names are written in heaven." Luke 10:19, 20
Jesus Christ says, in effect, Don't rejoice in successful service, but rejoice because you are rightly related to Me. The snare in Christian work is to rejoice in successful service, to rejoice in the fact that God has used you. You never can measure what God will do through you if you are rightly related to Jesus Christ. Keep your relationship right with Him, then whatever circumstances you are in, and whoever you meet day by day, He is pouring rivers of living water through you, and it is of His mercy that He does not let you know it. When once you are rightly related to God by salvation and sanctification, remember that wherever you are, you are put there by God; and by the reaction of your life on the circumstances around you, you will fulfil God's purpose, as long as you keep in the light as God is in the light.
The tendency to-day is to put the emphasis on service. Beware of the people who make usefulness their ground of appeal. If you make usefulness the test, then Jesus Christ was the greatest failure that ever lived. The lodestar of the saint is God Himself, not estimated usefulness. It is the work that God does through us that counts, not what we do for Him. All that Our Lord heeds in a man's life is the relationship of worth to His Father. Jesus is bringing many sons to glory.

i'm so scared. lonliness prowls around the tree i have fled into. somewhere beyond the hedges, the hyenas of depression wait to take the remains.

I WANT TO ESCAPE! LET ME OUT OF THIS TREE!! IS THERE ANY OTHER WAY?? i don't want to go back into those jaws... I don't want to be the prey anymore. God, you promised that with You, I would have authority over these things... that the beasts of sin and pride would flee as i ride upon you... Was it a lie? it's so hard to have faith. Help me believe that what you say stays, and it remains.

I've tried so hard to run away on my own... but my own legs can only take me so far. I've faked, i've manipulated... JESUS, I'M A LIE. i'm so tired of faking intimacy.

I want to KNOW You. I want to know you and the power of your ressurrection and the fellowship of sharing in Your sufferings, becoming LIKE YOU in your death, and so somehow to attain to the ressurection from the dead...

I've faked knowing you... i know how to do that so well... but i want to KNOW you... not the illusion of knowing, but the reality of knowing...

i'm so tired of this aloneness
nothing can remedy it...
there is no community left.
i'm so tired of this fragmentation
i'm so tired of feeling alien with friends
i'm so tired...
and all i want is to return home
but there is no home left for me.
home isn't a place
it's...

How can i feel the lack of something i don't even understand?

There's just some friends that i just want to say "screw you" when they say it's my own fault and i wasn't maintaining friendships... it seems like just a load of bs.

But unfortunately...
they're right... i want to be so mad at people for not maintaining friendship, but how can i be mad when i tried even less? I'm so sick of the selfishness inside of me. I want to be mad at people but all that's left to be mad at is myself.

I need community. All of my efforts have fallen short. I feel so hopeless here... I had always kept community back at home as my backup whenever something went wrong at ucsd. now... there's nothing to fall back on. except for God. ha.

It's ridiculous how i can say that so easily, yet i don't really believe it at all.

the area of community in my life is filled with so much hypocrisy.

Today as i was worshipping... God showed me how far i've gone since junior high... how much i matured. Then he reminded me how much i still struggle today. There's so much he's taken me through already, but there's more he wants to change me in... the picture he gave me was that i was a little dot along a line... and the dot seemed to be halfway there... but the picture zooms out and shows it's only beginning...

How much more pressure can i take under the jaws of maturation? When will i truly be spiritually mature? probably never. And as i attempt at spiritual maturity, my childlike immaturity seems so much more easily slipping away... meaning i'm doing something wrong. If i was really maturing spiritually, i'd be becoming more like a child... anyways, enough of that ramble paragraph... it's been a hard night.

it seems it's the most difficult to listen to God when nobody else is listening to you...