why do i buy into the lie so much

it bugs me when people become so smart that all they want to do is use that smartness to accuse and hurt and look better than everyone else instead of using it to heal others and themselves.

love. if we have not love, then we are just a resounding gong.

how long...
how long, o God, must i be under this ?
how long, o God, will this seperate me from You?

You say your love has no boundaries...
How come it seems that i keep making boundaries
and it feels like You can't break through?

Come and break through these walls
Come and break through these fortresses of sin and guilt

I want to know freedom more than on a weekly basis...
Break me out of this weekly cycle of freedom, then failure...

I'm tired of this take two steps, take one step back.
Why can't I just take one step at a time?
So many times, in fact, it feels like taking one step, and taking two back...

I can't see through the lies...
I can't find the truth...

the truth of Your love...
it eludes me.

i'm tired of cheapening this love, this grace
I just want to give up sometimes and give up looking for it,
because it feels like i cheapen it with each new discovery of it

Is your love really limitless?
and if it is, How can i come to a realization of that without destroying it with my selfishness?

or maybe i give myself too much credit.
If this love really is limitless, what can I do to change it?

But if it really is limitless, why haven't I changed?

help me to understand...

man... psalm 118:1-4 came so alive today....

Truly, Your mercies endure forever...

how could i ever doubt Your love... and how could i ever act like You didn't love me?

i'm so sorry.

i got mad at God today for a stupid reason, and it got me in a whole bunch of trouble. I getting mad at God for stupid reasons. it's so stupid thinking about it too. stupid daniel.

I NEED TO CHANGE

Father, I can't explain this kind of love,

This kind of grace,

I know I still break Your heart,

And yet You run to welcome me.

God- i desperately need you love... i desperately need you love and mercy... and most of all, i desperately need to change. i'm tired of running back and forth between you and the world.

i need breakthrough

please pray for me as i am entering into a time of personal fasting.

I am needing direction in certain areas in my life, here is a snippetly summarized version of them:

1. Rest- i've been so busy that everything seems to go on autodrive. God! break this autodrive mentality! reveal your mercies and power new every morning! help me to contend!

2. Education abroad- is it the right time? God called me to UCSD to join the prayer movement here, before i even knew there really was one here. It's been amazing what's been happening. However, i feel like being gone for a year from that movement is not quite where God wants me... at the same time, i'm struggling if it's just me making excuses not to go out of fear. Pray that God will help me to act out of not fear of the world, but fear of God's will, and out of obedience

3. Relationships, community- been hard for me to plug in well these last few weeks, been hard to maintain and pursue phileo love.

4. Family- my grandparents who have not accepted christ, my mom's side of the family for reconciliation and salvation, and for my immediate family at home.

5. IPCC- for true unity to start occuring between fellowships on UCSD. Enough of this ineffective non-action... there needs to be BREAKTHROUGH! break the apathy among the fellowships in building a true community in the body of Christ!

6. find a good chinese church- that i may be able to practice my mandarin.

dang. that was a lot. Well, just shows all the different things rambling around in my head. So if it looks like i'm not paying attention when i talk to you, sorry.

thank you to all the people who are even thinking of praying for me. I know it's hard to remember to pray for people regularily, but i'm sure God will remind you to pray for me when I need it the most. I will be fasting for 40 days... at least one meal a day. so, please also keep me accountable.

i've become too good at not falling in love.

need to take a break from trying to sound smart.
the best is to live simply, like a child.

Jesus loves me this I know
For the Bible tells me so
Little ones to Him belong
We are weak, but He is strong

it's funny how so many people pride themselves in their un-legalistic ways, but at the same time, their un-legalistic ways have become in themselves a form of legalism.

I'm really tired today of charismatic people saying their catchphrases... tired of using them myself to get people's approval when i pray. That is a form of living by the law. It's just emptiness. I am annoyed when prayer becomes a way of arguing with eachother with your eyes closed. It's tiring to discern if someone really has discernment or if he's just trying to manipulate you.

and most of all, i'm tired of my own critical spirit. I wish i could just smile and focus on God. Instead, i become just like those whom i criticize for quenching the spirit of God by not focusing on Him.

Conquering the Law

(once again, the following is based on generalizations. There are definitely exceptions)

This generation of the church has had much progress in destroying much of the legalism that has plagued the church for several years. It refuses to accept empty traditions that have no power and simply hold people back from the true love and power of God instead of drawing them near to Him.

Because of this, a new wave of creativity and innovation has swept over the church. Music in the church has become cutting edge. Everything from announcements to worship lyrics to sermon notes are stored on computers, displayed on powerpoint. The language of the church has become accessible to everyone and not just the elite. "Cool" words are used now instead of the foreign language of "Christianese". Many pastors don't dress up in their suits anymore and have replaced their outfit with T-shirts and jeans. It seems that the church has made much progress in becoming relevant to reality and the world. However, something seems very wrong about this picture to me.

Pride
The first danger for this generation that is becoming apparent is the sin of pride. There is a stigma that anything that is not modernized in the church is wrong. If it's old, then it's dysfunctional. Immediately, if there is a hymn, people stop worshipping. If they see an organ, they turn their heads. If they see an elder trying to teach them who can't speak their "language," they see it is irrelevant. The only right way to have church is to have it our generation's way.

In this pride, we have begun to seperate ourselves from other generations. Even the whole concept of "youth ministry," although having done many great things in our generation, is about isolating ourselves from everyone else because of a stigma that other generations of the church are wrong. Our generation is extremely wary of uniting with past generations, perhaps because of deep bitterness from the way Christianity was presented so legalistically to them. When this generation's christians become too old for age-based ministries, there is a great fall out because first of all, the rest of the church has not shared in this generation's changes, and also because this generation has such a narrow view of how their church can be.

This pride must be conquered. There has been much speculation that this generation can be the generation that revolutionizes the church like never before. There has been foretold great harvest and great spiritual reformation in this church. All of this I will agree with. However, if we refuse to reconcile with the generations that came before us, we will never reach the potential that we have. The revolution in the church that our generation has the potential for will be disarmed if we do not reconcile. This revolution or revival that so many people speak of is much too big for our generation to do alone. We need to stand united with the whole church- for ourselves, and for the sake of the whole church itself.

The Cycle Continues
The second danger that seems to be arising is that in the process of destroying tradition, and forming more relevant ways of doing church, we have forgotten to look at or are unaware as to why the old traditions are . In the pride that I mentioned in the previous section, we have forgotten that the traditions and legalism we once were alive with the power of God. We simply say the traditions are no longer relevant. We say they're boring. However, it seems as if our new "ways of doing church" are becoming themselves empty tradition also. We must learn from the past instead of forming another set of , secularized traditions, devoid of any power.

In fact, this conflict is much older than we may have expected. It even went back to Paul's time, when he decided to write revolutionary ideas that the old Jewish laws should be abolished in the church. The church leaders became enraged at these almost blasphemous ideas. Paul, however, argued that Jesus abolished the laws, because He fulfilled the laws. Basically, Paul stressed that we cannot follow the law to earn the love of Christ, but we must know that Christ loved us first, and that we in turn must respond with love. When we respond with love to God, there will be no need for traditions or the law to keep us in line. They will all occur naturally and without obligation when we are in love with Christ.

In the same way, if we simply make new traditions, they will keep failing over time. The one thing that will not fail is a love and intimacy with God. Our ways of throwing off old ways will simply become outdated and powerless if we forget that love of God. Our traditions will be empowered if we focus not on the traditions and regulations themselves, but on the force behind those traditions and regulations. The force behind all traditions when they begin is a love relationship with Christ. The staying power of the church depends not on how well we preserve traditions or try to make new ways of doing things, but on how well we maintain our love for our God, and pursue for that love to grow.

It is renewed intimacy that we need, not new traditions. May God enrapture us in his consuming love and bring the church to a new level where we no longer depend on our traditions and ways of doing things, but on our intense passion and love for God.