you haunt my dreams. you haunt my reality. I am so afraid of yet so uncontrollably drawn to you.

Haunting beauty. Like a moth to a kerosene lamp I cannot resist this beauty, although it has the power to incinerate me.

I'm caught in the pull of you. I can't escape. I know it could all be wrong, but there's no escaping. I've taken one step upon the slippery slope, and there is no turning back from falling to my doom.

And I'm confused, God. I can't tell if I should stand my ground and refuse to move, or if You are calling me out of where I am comfortable. I can't make out Your voice clearly. I would follow you if I knew where You were leading. I'm not used to the context of this situation. Thus, I'm confused as to where to find Your voice.

-----
When the Tears Fall

I've had questions, without answers
I've known sorrow, i have known pain
but theres one thing, that i'll cling to
you are faithful, Jesus your true

in the lone hour, of my sorrow
through the darkest night of my soul
you surround me, and sustain me
my defender, forever more

when hope is lost, i'll call you saviour
when pain surrounds, i'll call you healer
when silence falls, you'll be the song within my heart

I will praise you, i will praise you
when the tears fall, still i will sing to you
i will praise you, Jesus praise you
Through the suffereing still i will sing

Core Sample

a lot on my mind lately. But haven't had much time to write about all this stuff. Usually, i would dedicate a whole long-winded entry to each of these topics, but for now, they will have to suffice as short 2-3 sentence paragraphs. So here's a sample of what's going through my head:

-People who criticize IV tick me off sometimes. They talk about it not being a real church and that it takes people away from a real church. First of all, that's a horrible misconception of IV, because they have strict rules that IV doesn't become a replacement for church, and second, these people don't even know what "church" really is, apart from an empty institution. And when i tell them to look beyond what they know to be "church" and look in Acts and at China to see the true depiction of the church, they get mad and change the subject, saying it doesn't matter towards the argument that they decided to start with me, even though it has everything to do with it. it's frustrating. okay. that took more than 2 to 3 sentences.

Take back the night. There was so much brokenness, hurt, bitterness... and I didn't know how to respond to it all. If anything, it opened my eyes to the hurt and brokenness that this campus is stuck in, and how desperately Jesus needs to enter those areas, but for myself, I just sat there hopeless not knowing what to do, but try to be a better brother for my sisters.

IV staff appreaciation was real good tonight. However, I've realized that I don't know any of them especially well. It's time for me to get to know them I guess. That's my project for the next half quarter.

Does the prayer movement start from the bottom up or from the top down? I've been wrestling with this in trying to gather vision for next year... and what I thought was so clear has become so foggy.

I still deal with bitterness and cynicism. I am ashamed and disgusted with the amount of pride that is in me that works against my passion for community and divides instead of unites. Bitterness is like a trojan horse for the heart.

Oppressive emotional struggle. Especially concerning getting something that is impossible and just a day dream, yet maybe it's God, but maybe it's just me. anyways, that was vague... but i go around in a circle trying to figure out where it's all coming from... myself or God? So i am stuck in a limbo not knowing what God's voice is, and from that a difficulty in obeying God.

---
that's a lot of stuff in my head. And that's only a sample :)

AWESOME WHAT THIS GUY HAS TO SAY... ripped off of relevant.com:

------------------------------
There is a word so dirty that when you say it in church the reaction is immediate, hostile and horrified. A word that when uttered has cost many a minister his job and has been the catalyst of banishment for other believers. A word so feared that if it must be used, it is couched in euphemisms or coded language.

That dirty word is change.

We are creatures of routine, habit and comfort. Habits and routines bring security, predictability and gentle knowingness to our often shaky and unpredictable lives. And comfort—oh, my, how we love to be comfortable! Thrill me, chill me, but whatever you do, don't make me squirm!

I think it was no less than C.S. Lewis who said, "God is always comforting but never comfortable."

He got that right.

Since Christianity is a faith that demands constant reflection and then change based on that reflection, we had better not get too comfortable. And maybe a good time to practice getting used to change would be when we come together in church.

While the truth that a Christian community holds onto is changeless, the method of imparting that truth, the doorways to the heart of our societies and the cultural taboos and mores are always in flux. And to be able to communicate God's eternal truths in meaningful and relevant ways, having the ability to quickly adapt and change our means and methods is essential.

You can see the results of churches that have broken the mold and have done some serious rethinking about how they will connect with the community they live in. These are the churches that are growing! And likewise you can see the results in churches that have dug in and resisted change or have lost their biblical moorings and drifted with the rest of the culture. They are shrinking in size, increasingly irrelevant, toothless and powerless. In time all that will be left is a shell of a building that used to house a vibrant church but has been turned into some kind of a funky restaurant.

It is important to remember that virtually every denomination started off with unfettered exuberance propelled by change. Many were on the cutting edge of their day and came into being as a response to the status quo church life that was failing to engage or authentically serve vast slices of the birthing culture. But within each church the tendency to drop anchor and slow down the very vehicle that carries a "new work" to success is inherent. Over a span of time, these mobile, inventive and fresh approaches become frozen, bureaucratic and stale. The willingness to change is lost, and paralysis sets in.

help me to know and see Your truth

Your Beloved

Lord, it was You

Who created the heavens

Lord, it was Your hand

That put the stars in their place

Lord, it is Your voice

That commands the morning

Even the oceans and their waves

Bow at Your feet

Lord, who am I compared to Your glory?

Lord, who am I compared to Your majesty?

I am Your beloved, Your creation

And You love me as I am

You have called me chosen,

For Your kingdom

Unashamed to call me Your own

I am Your beloved

To Know and Be Known

I’ve forgotten all the dreams You planted in my heart

Of love and unity- it’s all coming apart

Is this how it’ll be all my life?

People parting in amnesia and strife

I want to fly to another time

Where we would gaze into Your eyes

And we would run hand in hand

Into Your fire

I need to know someone

I need to love someone

I need someone know who I am

I need someone to love who I am

To know and be known, to love and be loved

Help me believe there’s such a thing as love these days.

Our faces are there but the love seems to decay

We all walk away

I need community

For some sense of sanity

Change comes and then we go

Will memory suffice to keep me running?

Can someone please come back

To this place I have fallen- pick me up
-------------

it's strange. the feeling of lonliness while being in a crowded room. How I can know so many people yet still feel alone.

God, help me to get up. Help me to shift my eyes off of myself. I know that the key to my freedom is to look beyond myself. But it's so hard to look beyond that. It's so hard to look beyond where i'm hurting. It's so hard to leave those things at the cross and follow you.

These are old demons I thought I had conquered. Or perhaps, I just ran away from them, hoping they'd never find me. I guess it's time to face them up head on. At least that's what I say. I keep running each time, because everytime I try to fight these demons, I end up hurt. Everytime I try to tend to my wounds, it just rips them open.

I need freedom.
-------
thanks, jaeson

Every morning I wake up with a sense of hopelessness. A pit in my stomach. A paralyzing sense of worry. It takes all my energy to get out of bed and kneel on the floor. I need peace. I need to know that You are in control. I need to know that you have all of this in Your hands. I need to know that this is really what you planned for me. And actually, what that plan actually is. Because right now, with my human eyes, there seems to be no easy solution. There seems to be no easy way out. There seems to be no easy way in. So I'm stuck here in the door frame, on the edge of a knife. I know if I don't choose a side sooner or later, I'll be cut in half. I can already feel myself being cut in two. And there is no way off of this edge. The walls are closing in on me.

People keep telling me to have patience, but I feel like the longer I wait, the deeper the blade of depression and anxiety cut in, and it takes every ounce of my energy to pull myself off the blade. God, I'm waiting, but the waiting seems to drain the life out of me. I'm sorry I'm so impatient, but God, I pray that you would quickly show me which way to go. I can't trust my own judgement, because honestly, I only care for my survival now, not Your kingdom. God, I surrendered earlier that I wanted Your will, and not my will. Well what do I do when I can't hear your voice? What do I do when I can't tell what is my will or Your will or if they're the same thing?

Speak peace into the chaotic insanity in my head.

It Is Well With My Soul

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

i can tell they have their doubts.

well this is where I know God is calling me. I've been denying it for a lot of my life. I need to step out in obedience some time or another

Stream of concious rant:

God, I know so little about love.

Help me to learn what it means... and not just its meaning, but how to act it out.

One moment, it feels like my heart is so cold and hard. So I soften it up, only to get easily hurt by my own intentions.

God- How do you keep yourself so vulnerable to us all the time? Why do you still love us when there's a huge chance that we won't love you back? How can you be so reckless with Your love? How do you deal with the pain inside of you everytime your heart breaks for us? Why do you keep loving a people who don't reciprocate that love? Why did you love us even before we acknowledged you?

They say that love demands response. If God's love is really that big, why don't people want to respond.

I sat outside today and just watched people walk by. Empty eyes. Heads down. Rushed steps to nowhere. Apathy because there is nothing to have purpose for. I felt my heart break. I never knew how blind I usually am to God's broken heart for this generation.

God- I pray You help me to respond to Your love. And keep breaking my heart for people. Don't let me get jaded. God, I'm always staring at myself in all my selfishness. Keep forcing my gaze away from myself and help me to know Your heart.

Our response to God's love is to love others.
--------------------

thanks God.

===vague entry===
it's funny how one's social condition can so violently oscillate into insanity... back and forth from lonliness to feeling loved back to lonliness again

emotional unstability today i guess. don't we all love these kind of days.

i really don't like moments in life like this. Where you feel like everything you say offends someone, and when everything they say seems to offend you.

It's these moments when you want to hide and be a hermit, while at the same time you want to love and feel loved.

what can cure it? Someone to talk to I guess. But then there's nothing to talk about. These feelings sometimes come from nowhere, or if they did, they've totally detatched themselves from the event and have become a selfish, lonesome puddle to waddle in.

I've just lost sight... i don't have the strength to get out anymore.

I'm sorry i'm not as strong as some of you. I'm sorry I'm so pitiful that I can't take care of myself. I'm sorry that I'm always needing emotional support. I'm sorry that all I do is apologize.

... can someone please pull me out...

my heart feels sick inside...

God I need you so badly.

On Being Silent

(warning... length is out of control, because i'm just spewing out what's in my head)

okay. my thoughts on the day of silence aren't well put together, but i figure i should write an entry about it before i forget.

First let me say that Western Christian culture sucks. It just plain bites. It is defined by fear and legalism. And it is because of that fear that there are sectors of society that are totally repulsed by Christianity. They associate Christianity with an extremist conservative agenda. And it's sad. A lot of what's said in the church is more influenced by American conservative culture than by what's in the Bible itself. It's sad.

However, I also can't deny that God said that homosexuality was wrong.

I think that's the struggle i had this day. At one moment, I was almost proud I was wearing that shirt, showing how much I "loved" the LGBT community. And then at other moments, I'd be scared that it looked like I was supporting something that God clearly said was wrong. It's like there's a struggle in my head to unite God's unconditional love He showed through Jesus with the Samaritan woman at the well and the almost-stoned sinful woman and God's unconditional hatred of s3xual sin. I detest thinking like this... but is there supposed to be a line? I would usually scoff at people who say this because i'm a big "God's grace" kind of guy. Well, i realized i had a bunch of ideas about God's "grace" and "love" that I didn't really believe because they wilted real quickly when put to the test.

Furthermore, my "love" is so fake. Because once I came by someone that I knew, all these fears crept up on me. What if they thought i was gay? What if this tarnishes my image as a "perfect" christian? as Joe Lee put very nicely- we may have slapped on a shirt, but that hasn't really changed our hearts. I am still afraid to talk to homosexuals. I believe in an idea of love that I do not act out in real life. 1 John 3:18 comes back at me and bites me. I realize that the "love" i try to show to the homosexual community is more about myself than letting them see Christ's love. And i'm disgusted with myself for that.

The experience of actually being silent? I felt like i wanted to burst out at my seams. There were so many jokes I wanted to say, so many encouragements I wanted to give. But I just couldn't say anything. Is this how it really is for the LGBT community? The worst was at the inter-fellowship prayer meeting. Almost all the IV people were taking vows of silence. It felt like the rest of the fellowships didn't understand at all. When someone tried explaining it for us, it just made things worse. It seemed to come out that we support homosexuality. I was imagining their thoughts in my head. Supporting gays and lesbians? IV has really turned way too liberal to be Christian. Let's just smile in support so that they don't know that we're disgusted with them, and we'll talk about it amongst ourselves later... It was so bad that when we tried getting them to pray for it, they felt nervous even saying the word "gay". Every time the word came up, there was an obvious 3 second pause before they said the word. It was like saying the word was something so taboo that even to say it would de-sanctify prayer. ugh. the stupidity. I think it’s funny that IV is probably seen as the most heretical and liberal group of Christians just because it goes into areas that the church is afraid to go into, and it goes in with all boldness. Simply out of trying to bring people together from different backgrounds, IV has been labeled as way too charismatic, liberal, heretical, and even cultish. Look, just because we read the Bible more than Calvin’s TULIP doesn’t mean we’re not Christians.

(sidenote: okay, so I’m a little bitter against Calvinism. I just need a nice, logical Calvinist friend to show me reasonably how all of the stuff they hold onto, like pre-destination, etc. is so important that that’s all you talk about in church. Not that it’s not important… it’s just that right now, in my cultural mindset, none of it is important, and the way people worship Calvin and his ideas like a god doesn’t help me get a better balanced viewpoint… I just need one SMART Calvinist that doesn’t just list off TULIP and some supporting verses and is willing to walk through the logical reasons for Calvinist theology… simple as that. I want to hear about Calvinism minus all the Calvinist Christian culture. Simple as that. Oi. God, humble me and keep me from being stubborn… sorry if anyone is offended by my soreness toward calvinism at the moment... currently, I've only been receiving negative impressions of Calvinism. Maybe if someone would be so kind and show me a positive example of Calvinism, it will all be better. (if I keep writing about this… It’ll turn into another separate post…))

There is one thing I despise more than s3xual immorality and it’s the way the church approaches it. It approaches it at a stance of condemnation, in the name of “truth” and “not backing down from our beliefs”. It seems that not backing down from our beliefs about s3xual immorality leads us to back down from the example of Jesus’s love for each and every one of us, no matter how much we’ve sinned. Yeah, it’s true, we “cheapen” God’s grace by taking advantage of it and continuing in our sin. But I also believe that we not only cheapen, but take away all the value of grace by forgetting about God’s grace and replacing it with legalism.

Honestly, this all makes me sick to the stomach, because I realize I am not only criticizing the church, but I’m also criticizing myself and my own hypocrisy. We’re all a bunch of brooding vipers… God, break this pharisaical spirit in us…

God, help me to love others as you loved others. And help me to stand for justice... and righteousness.

Was listening to Relient K randomly… don’t listen to them that often anymore. Anyways, this song, which I didn’t like that much before, really stuck out like a sore thumb. The freaking lyrics are exactly the thoughts that were racing through my head today:

Down in Flames

Christians-- we're all afraid of fire.

We prefer to suck on pacifiers.

Baby pacifists, we're throwing fits.

We don't shake hands, we shake our fists.

We're cannibals.

We watch our brothers fall.

We eat our own, the bones and all.

Finally fell asleep on the plane

to wake to see we're going down in flames.

We're going down, down, down in flames.

We're gonna drown, drown, drown insane.

We see the problem and the risk,

but nothing's solved.

We just say, "Tisk, tisk, tisk,"

and, "Shame, shame, shame."

Finally fell asleep on the plane

to wake to see we're going down in flames.

Let's go!

Christians-- we mourn, the thorn is stuck

in the side of the body watch it self-destruct.

The enemy is much ignored

when we fight this Christian civil war.

We're cannibals.

We watch our brothers fall.

We eat our own, the bones and all.

Let me pause to clarify

('cause I'm sure you're asking, "Why?").

I stand before you and proudly claim

to belong to what this song complains.

I'm part of the problem,

I confess,

But I gotta get this off my chest.

Let's extinguish the anguish

for which we're to blame,

and save the world

from going down in flames.

okay i did it God.

what comes next? i have no freaking idea. You better have a good idea.

sometimes i want to be mad at You because it seems like You're playing around with my heart like a toy. it's hard to believe that what i'm feeling is "the potter's hand". because it hurts.

a work in progress:

A Dream

I had a dream about you once

Amazed that such a beauty was in my mind

There was a fire in your eyes

And vulnerability that’d make my legs shake

When your gaze fell upon my face

I was scared you’d see the insecurities within

But when our eyes did meet

The fear itself melted out of my heart

But now

I’m waking up

And it was only a dream

I wish I’d never waken up


And I can’t get you out of my head

The dreams are fine until I’m faced with reality

And now my heart stands still

I don’t know what to do with these feelings inside

I’ve never let myself feel like this

A mixture of joy pain and anxiety

And when I see you I wanna hide

But I always end up right next to you

Face to face with your reality

All my dreams of you all fail to compare

My depth of field becomes so shallow

When you’re around, you’re the only thing I see