i wish i could blame something for the way I feel. But I promised God I wouldn't be bitter. I've been thinking. Maybe it's not ignoring who's fault it is. Maybe it's about acknowledging... if it's myself, if it's someone else, if it's God (*gasp! he's blaming GOD?)... and forgiving.

God, I'm not sure why you put me in this position. I was not planning for things to hurt like this. It doesn't make sense that this hurts so much. It goes against scenarios A, B AND C. I thought I was ready for this and I wouldn't experience pain. I thought obedience meant less pain. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I couldn't psych myself into not hurting. I guess I set myself up for pain. I guess I still have more to grow. I guess I'm still a loser who's still an awkward junior higher inside.

GOD- help me to still worship You, help me to accept your sovereignty. ARE you there? sometimes it feels like you're playing a game with my emotions. Sometimes I'm not sure if I should trust You anymore... but something just keeps me there... i think it's hope. It's hope that maybe you really do have a plan in all of this pain. It's hope that maybe I CAN fight through all of this, and not run away. It was always a fool's hope... but hope is hope.

I miss the days when I had no question about Your will. God... I want to know that feeling of trust and faith again...