ha ha ha. xanga is down and blogger isn't. how fortunate.

God does answer prayers... One day in freshman year, i made a "Jesus hit list" in the back of my journal- people I would pray for to experience the love of God that were around me in school. I kept praying but i never saw anything. I always had this mentality that i never had to argue or debate with anyone for them to see the reality of God. If God was really real, He would have affected my life in a fashion that would be radically different from everyone else. My words and intellect would always get in the way and muddle things up. The brainy stuff wasn't the real gospel, and it muddied it up. I concluded the only real clear way of communicating this power and love i had encountered was by the difference in my life through God. Many times i doubted that difference- it was so easy to not be changed by God each day... but I kept trying...

by the end of highschool, even though so many people knew I was a christian, i felt that i had not tried hard enough to show what it really means, and try to have that power affect my peers' lives... Almost nobody on my "hit list" had been "hit" by God's grace...

Today, God proved my doubts wrong- He does answer prayers, and he CAN work beyond our own efforts... This person knew I was praying for her, and out of nowhere she IM's me and tells me she's been saved, and this time for real! i'm like- CRAZY... She was one of the only people I had prayed for that accepted christ during highschool, but it had been hard for her to be rooted or be sure she was really a christian. She still lived the same life as before accepting christ. Now, God has reminded me of His grace- She truly understands the depths of God's love... Something I could never explain to anyone with my words or communication... Something that is so hard for anyone to truly live out in reality... God has revealed Himself to her and there's no questioning it. THERE IS A RADICAL CHANGE IN HER LIFE.

I had been writing earlier in my personal journal... what would happen if Christian people really started to genuinely attempt to live the radical lifestyle Jesus demonstrated? What would happen if there were a sudden lifestyle shift in the church? PEOPLE WOULD FINALLY SEE THE REALITY OF GOD AND NOT THE FAULTS OF THE PEOPLE IN THE CHURCH.... and that had always remained a concept in my head... never a reality. I had tried it, but it had never really worked... and dang, it CAN work... the true factor of revival is a radical, honest lifestyle that is the product of an all powerful God... if our lives were really lived as God's, the changes could be uncomprehensible... what a CRAZY GOD.

please read my friend's following testimony... This is ALL YOU, JESUS....

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I have truly been Saved

this weekend has been the most amazing weekend i have had in all of my life. I feel like i have been blinded and brainwashed by all my doubts and by all the things i was taught in the past, but as if im seeing through different eyes, as if a layer of lies has been lifted off my eyes, i can SEE. i can see better than I have ever in my life. I can see what really matters, I can see all of my sins, I can see the beauty of the world in a different way, I can see so many many things that i cannot even describe with words.

I realize now that everything that has happened in my life has happened for a reason. I have no more doubts in You. I came to Wellesley, across the country, and met my group of Wellesley sisters that have given me more than I can be thankful for. These amazing women that inspire me, encourage me, accepted me with open arms, no questions asked. Because of Wellesley, i was able to attend ABSK bible studies, and attend the fall retreat in new hampshire lead by Pastor Ed, such an amazing, clarifying speaker. All of these perfect steps leading up to the other, all these people God put into my life, leading me in the right direction. Thank each and every one of you, for changing me, for changing my life.

This weekend, i CRIED. i dont think i have experienced real crying like that for a long time, for as long as I remember. crying about movies, crying about little frustations, crying about other people, even crying about missing home. This kind of crying was the kind that rose deep from inside, crying that embodied all emotions. crying because of pure sadness and pure joy, all at the same time. So amazing is God's grace.

I just want to shout from the rooftops and the highest mountains how Great He is and how Great his Love is. I remember i used to think... How can all these crazy people live such Christian lives? Now i know that Christ IS life. He is what we're living for, and all the others things are merely distractions created by our sin. Oh Lord, after all these years of being in denial, of thinking that I was a Christian, I have never truly come out and said it, witnessed your impact on my life and tried my best to be worthy enough to be your daughter. Thank you for bringing me to this place. This place that only a few days ago I thought as lonely and cold and foreign, now seems to be filled with family, warmth, and best of all YOU.

I am letting down my walls and opening all my thoughts I used to be so afraid to show to the public, because i want them to KNOW. know that a life without You isn't a life at all, regardless of how well some can fool themselves. To the atheistest of athetists, dont you wonder about the mystery of existence? The mystery of that feeling of aspiring to something higher when you hear a certain song or look at a certain scenery of nature? Why do you want to say, "Thank ________," and just finish with 'goodness' or 'my lucky stars' on occasions of gratitude? Do not answer these questions to argue, but really think about it for yourselves.

Let me grow spiritually, building a better relationship everyday.

Let me live a life of PASSION that revolves around Him.

today i woke up at 7:15 to the sound of the fire alarm. it was a lot of fun. i really have to say it was tons of fun. tons and tons of fun.
yesterday i got frustrated with a suitemate because he thought he was all that because he was drinking protein drink. he made a lot of pompous comments, and if someone sounds more pompous than me, i get hypocritically irked, annoyed, and generally not good natured to the person. I need help with taht flaw of mine.

dang i need God right now
i feel like all my "christian-ness" is wearing thin and i'm getting real annoyed with people easily these days. I need help God.

wow. I can truly say i have experienced london pea soup fog. It was like i was in the middle of a rain cloud.

in other news, i'm going to the IV retreat. I think i have to skip a lecture for it. I hope there's no pop quiz. Because that would suck. But God told me to go, so He'll take care of it. don't worry mom, i'm getting notes from a friend

the retreat's on an island. that's a new one for me. An island retreat. how romantic is that? eh... wrong word... but you get it.

sometimes a deep desire from within me screams out to worship God in spirit and in truth... to throw off fakeness... tonight is one of those nights. please pray that i'll be able to shed off that shell of fakeness... it's something i have to molt off every now and then... O God, to be free!!