Watching for change

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Obedience is much harder during its moment of planned action. It's so easy to procrastinate obedience. God, help me to be obedient to your commands.

Obedience brings me to the promise land... sometimes though, i feel as if i'm satisfied here in the wilderness.

Jesus, break that satisfaction with the normal.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

I want you to go so far away... yet at the same time I want to be right next to you. I'm so tired of these circles and games in my head i have around you.
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God, I give up. I surrender. I was never in control in the first place. You give and you take away. Whatever happens, You are Lord. Help me to praise Your name wether I get my way or not. Speak peace into the struggles and battles in my head. Surrender is the only peace I can find- even greater than that of resolution. Help me to find that supernatural peace that comes only from You.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

my heart feels torn apart.

i feel like i'm back where i always am.

God, i thought you promised to heal me. Why am i finding myself in the same spot i always am every single time?

been having dreams that dangle the goodness of life in front of me only to find myself waking up and realizing that goodness feels so much farther away when awake...

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

So here's something that has been bouncing around in my head- I've been recognizing another tension in Christian culture- the struggle between relevance and solid truth. How far can relevance go until it becomes relativism? How far can solid truth go until it becomes legalism?

Here's my opinion-

They need eachother. An idea cannot have true relevance without knowing what it is in the first place. A solid truth cannot be solid truth if it is not experienced by more than just one person or group of people.

The question is, how do people get so solidified in the extremes? How do these things become so divisive? Everyone's fighting for their version of Christian culture to be on top, up to the point in which they forget their God.

it's sad.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- Paul

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

i'm finally reading a book that's interesting in my class. (i spent the 8 hours trying to read it today- only half through) It talks about the portrayal of blackness on television. It's interesting. there's a few interesting thoughts that come to my head as i read it.

The first is about the whole liberal vs. conservative view of government. It's quite obvious the writer is resentful of Reagan economics. he blames Reagan for ignoring the poor and shifting the nations wealth towards the rich. On the other hand, Reagan and other conservatives blame the poor for stealing the money from those who worked long and hard for their money. The deeper issue i finally realized is the struggle between needing something and deserving something.

Then something else clicked in my head- How does God see all of this? Where would He stand? I realized God would agree with both side's arguments against the other, making God not agreeing with either side. First of all, we don't deserve a thing in this world at all, so why should we be hanging on to things we don't really deserve? And also, as Dietrich Boenhoffeur says, we cannot "cheapen God's grace" for us (Paul's whole shpeel on "let us not sin so that grace may abound...). So i've concluded that what is missing from both the conservative and liberals is GRACE. If we knew how much grace we had, we wouldn't be shifting the nation's wealth even more to the rich, and the poor would work hard, knowing that what they receive is from grace (although i doubt there are that many poor people who are lazy, and if they are, they're intelligent enough to know they're screwing themselves over- they're not as dumb as we make them to be).

meh. that felt cool in my head. I guess i'm too tired to write it nicely, because it sounds stupid. well, off to my second interesting thought-

Nobody can really be happy with portrayals of race.

The writer, Herman Gray, sets up another interesting struggle. The media has two portrayals of blackness. One portrayal is the lower-class gangster who takes and is immoral in everyway you can think of. People don't like this image because it stereotypes black people. Then there's the second portrayal- the Cosby image. This is a portrayal of black people who can pursue the American dream just like white people. Cosby played a character who was an upper-middle class doctor who had a healthy family with good education. The funny thing is that people have a problem with that image too because they say it is just a black version of whiteness.

That's where i start getting a little bit annoyed. Has the normative discourse of whiteness gone so far in that being successful is a white person's cultural role? Being upper-middle class is equated with being white? A good family and good education is a white person's role? and if someone of another ethnicity achieves the same things, he or she is immediately pointed out as a sell-out?

That's the part I really don't understand. I'm starting to realize the whole idea of a "sell-out" is very undefined. It's more emotional than logical sometimes. sometimes- yeah, there are people who have obviously "sold-out". But more often than not, we just immediately label people as sellouts before we even give them a chance.

oy. anyways, this has been a very disorganized rant. that's what you get for reading 8 hours straight.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

i want to run away. I want to just not deal with any of this. I'm scared. I don't want to face this fear...

You've revealed the anxieties in me... but don't leave it at that! God, I need you to do more than reveal the things in me... I need to see you bring life to those areas.