haggai... it's a very interesting book... i will have to write about it in these coming days.

I hate all these politics and secrets... these faces and masks i have to put on... I want to be free from "red tape". I hate it so much. I wish people would stop being scared of it and just be honest.

i feel like it's hunting me down... i can't escape it... at least that's what it seems... God BRING VICTORY! DEFEAT THIS ASSASIN ASSIGNED TO ME! BRING FEAR INTO ITS HEART! LET IT KNOW YOUR POWER!...

i am at the end of me... there is no will to resist sometimes... help me God...

sometimes i feel like frodo baggins.

Sometimes my burden for unity seems like his quest. It's as if the ring is bitterness, and through my life, God's healed me of it is still healing me, and now he's given me this ring that signifies the bitterness that holds us apart... It is so easy to slip on this ring and see things the way i want to, but everytime i do, i also get a glimpse of the enemy because that's the point of view he wants me to have.

God has called me to destroy that ring. It's so tempting to give up. Everyday, it seems to get heavier. It seems like i can't go on. It's so tempting to slip it back on because it feels good to rant, to be angry with people and not do anything about it, to be frustrated.

But this bitterness, once started, is something i cannot control. It seems like such power, but it's just counterfeit.

And i'm left to wonder- am i really able to accomplish this impossible task? I was reading a post from when i just started this blog, just after the latest church split i experienced- i made a promise to myself to always fight for unity in the body of Christ. I was so confident in my own abilities. It seems so long ago, and my ideals have encountered the boundaries of reality and my own strength. God, i surrender. Forgive me for making a vow without including you in it. Forgive me for relying on myself to solve the problems in the church. I stand here broken, and say i have tried all the tricks up my sleeve, and none of them even made a dent on the hull of that monstrosity i've been fighting.

This "quest" i've put upon myself is more than i can handle. Hope seems to disappear like the starry skies do when the storm clouds come rushing in...

I need YOUR power. From today on, i change that promise to this:

I promise to never stop fighting for God's heart (not my own) for unity by seeking His power to break down the walls of bitterness and bring healing and reconciliation to the church, making it as one.

amen.