does God exist?

the saddest part is that i am part of this effed up world.

I can keep speaking out against it. But it's in me. It's in my veins. this brokenness, this darkness... i am the cause and victim of it all...

hope. does it exist in this system we are caught in called existence? Is there escape? Can I really be free? I am tangled in this web of meaning, this web of oppression, this web of despair.

so yeah. my thinking's been kind of pessimistic lately. I've kind of gone M.I.A. with a lot of people too. I had a lot of questions earlier in the year for God. and the answer i finally got earlier this quarter was "trust me". Lately, i've been struggling to do that. i know it's the first step out of this darkness, but it isn't without the pains of growth. Yes, i am still an optimist somewhere down in there. but it feels like it's drowning in all of this. I was alright with "trusting" for a month or two. but being the impatient human i am, I've unconciously stopped trying. I've relied on other things to propel me out of the dark night of the soul that still has l1ngering traces in my heart. And at the same time, those things haven't sped up this growing process. it's slowed me down.

aaaaaaaaaaah it's hard to explain this.

The feeling is that I finally have started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. but all of a sudden, this fog has descended in the tunnel and i can't see that light anymore. All i can do is believe that I'm going in the right direction and that the light even exists. It's hardest to believe that light is there when you can't see it, because you need it so desperately. You start stumbling. You forget how you navigated in the dark. You just frantically trip, fall, cry, scream, run, flail... Everything goes out the window in what you learned.

Enough of me trying to make sense of my own life. If i can't even understand what I'm going myself, how can I expect to make you understand it myself?

Anyways, i set out to write an explanation to all my unhappy xanga entries. However, i've confused myself further. The change in medium doesn't help at all.

I guess i'll just try harder to look happy.