SHUT UP

shut up.

sick of all the gossip.
make it stop.
make it stop

i don't care how bad the person is
you become as bitter and black inside
when you point the finger.

ha. right, you're so righteuos
give me a break.

let's end the hate
and let's revolutionize the world with love.

hahahahahaha

daniel's bored
and keeping people off the class computer.

goodbye

couldn't wake up today
something was on my chest
anxiety on my back

got up into the light
fed my fish
did some empty devos

but went to school and prayed
felt better.
uhm... not much to write.

something's not right.

unnatural depression...
don't know what this is.
maybe i just need to sleep it off.
there's no energy left in me
feel so existential...

may Psalms 30:last two verses be what my heart says again....


God, teach me to be a lover, not a worker.

My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Ass Machine Juice.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.

wonderful, huh?

I've decided to open up a forum on what you think space music is.

FOr all you winners who read this self centered, egotistic blog about an asian loser nerd, please leave a message telling me what YOU think what SPACE MUSIC IS. GO! (actually this is a stupid ploy that will probably not work to get more people to sign my guestbook....)

visited colleges. it was interesting because the thing that stuck out in my mind about each of the colleges was this...

in UCSD, i saw two girls praying together.
in UCLA, i saw a girl kneeling to the east in her prayers to Allah.

God, where do you want me to go? what does this mean? do you want me to join a movement? or do you want me to start a counter movement?

hahaha. i look at myself... and realize. It's not where I can do something for God. He's going to use me no matter what. But it's not about what He's going to do through me. What is he going to do with ME?

i hate my flesh.
kill it.
kill it.
die.

each time i try to kill it, it comes back to life... and tries to kill my soul
i know i'm immune
but it feels like it's sucking the life out of me

but this life is greater.
this power is greater.
and this light in me is not just a light bulb
it's a fire.

o fire of God, burn my darkness away.
consume me.
until nothing is left
except the ashes of my love for you
the burning coals of my heart for you
the smoke of your spirit.

question of the day...

What is space music?
there's a scholarship for submitting in a "space music" composition. I thought it was just a piece about space... but apparently it is some sort of style like punk, classical, or hip-hop.... weird huh? heh... i could get 1000 dollars for submitting in something like that though. hahahahaha. how amusing.

this used to be longer... but it was unsatisfying... and it felt like fluff... even though it was about something important... but i was going to go on with it. But then it got deleted. SO here goes try #2. I don't know why, but my writing feels dry today. So please bear with my dull writing abilities. (i blame it on my too-easy english class in which we haven't written any real things)

As i was at the musical, i rediscovered my love for hearing an orchestra tune up. It's got so much more substance than an actual song... it sort of sets up a tension, like something big is about to happen. Then the musical goes on for a while. Then it's intermission. Then it tunes up agaiin, saying, " there's something even bigger coming up..." and i become amazed with what happens after that. In the same way, i feel that's what's been going on... it feels like i was in the intermission for a while, and yesterday, tension started to build up, like the orchestra of heaven tuning up for something huge....

First, that morning, something became renewed in my heart. intimacy. Have not felt the desire for that intimacy for so long... our pastor said it in a powerful message about the prodigal son's brother. You see, the prodigal son desired intimacy, not the party. The son worked so hard for the party. i think taht's where i was, and maybe i still am. i've realized how much i haven't been seeking GOd- i've just been going through the motions. I've left things on autodrive. And i shouldn't have. And now i have to learn to drive again.

later, i was talking with someone in the car. We started talking about church... then christian club... then... God suddenly rushed into my heart. A desire to see my campus saved just came heavy on me... a desire to see the church unified... things that i've become so angry and frustrated about, i've forgotten how to dream... my mind started to wander from the conversation as my mouth kept moving. God was speaking to me... somethings i can't even put in words. I was about to break into tears, but i stopped myself (because it's embarrassing for a guy to cry in front of a girl!). Something had to be done. Something that my anger or frustration or my strength could never accomplish. Something I couldn't accomplish. I had been trying so hard to accomplish it all. but it wasn't happening, so i stopped trying. And then, i forgot that i only did half of it. I shouldn't ahve stopped at stopping to try. I should have STARTED trusting God. But right now, even as i write, God's asking me- will you dare to keep moving on your own strength? and do you dare stop moving with out climbing on my wings? That day, God was tired of waiting for me to climb on, so he grabbed me with his talons.

and later that day, i went to school to pray by myself and with God. SOmething I haven't done for so long. it was real weird. I started praying out loud. Everytime I would pray something, A loud shriek would come from the horizon, and a plane would come. it came after every "anointed" prayer that was birthed from revelation... And when i saw those planes coming, it was as if... as if... holes were punched through, and God's angels were bursting through with cries of passion and anguish for the lost and landing all around the campus.

then i went to the bleachers and prayed. I looked upon the school... and something came over me and i yelled... not out of anger like the last time i did. Not out of frustration. THey were simply cries for God.... ( i think i scared a lady walking her dog away) MAY THE SLEEPING GIANTS ON OUR SCHOOLS AWAKEN... Jesus... awaken us!!!! i can't describe it. I haven't had this feeling for so long... anyways... something even crazier happened as i was pulling out of the parking lot. I looked out towards the horizon, and i saw clouds. They were shaped EXTREMELY realistically like a group of people praying... now, i'm not superstitious, but i have a bad habit of looking at clouds... and i've never seen something that realistic looking. It had to be God. I don't know what he's saying, but he keeps doing it... today, i saw someone with their hands out receiving and his or her head in the clouds... i dont' know what it all means. but i know it can't mean nothing.

ANd i truly realize what jonathan foreman meant when he sang...

I'm on fire when your with me
I'm on fire when you speak
I'm on fire burning at these mysteries...

i'm burning with a fire that hasn't licked it's flames onto my heart for the longest time...

o MAINTENANT! Dieu, je prie que vous nous envoyez votre gloire! O, Seigneur, il n'y a pas des mots pour decrier cette feu que vous m'avez donner. je me brule avec votre amour. O, si je pourrais voir votre visage...

well, well well...

i've been sick the last week or so... but i think i'm finally getting better. it's been hard cuz i havne't been going to school, but i ahve to go to my musical practices and performances. hahahahahahaha. it's getting me so delirious. anyways, i'm almost better today. I can actually go to sleep now cuz i'm not coughing as much. But i still stayed home. It felt wrong, cuz i felt healthy enough to go to school, it's just that i woke up too late and i didn't want to be tardy. look at my kooky -----CCOUGHSSS>.. COUGHS>.....----- sorry i just tried to cough out some phlegm that won't get out of my wind pipe.... anyways... look at my kooky logic... i'd rather cut than be tardy. well i wasn't cutting. It was excused cuz i'm still technically sick..... but man, it's kinda nice. 3 days not going to school. it's wonderful. so wonderful.

and just cuz i'm at musical practice so much these days, i can't get the words of the songs out of my head... like

There's no business like show business
like no business i know
everything about it is appealing
everything the traffic will allow
no where could you get that happy feeling
when you are stealing
that extra bow
bum bum bum

There's no people like show people they smile when they are down
Even with a turkey that you know will fold
you may be stranded out in the cold
Still you wouldn't trade it for a sack of gold
let's go on with the show!!!!

now what i really don't get is what even with a turkey that you know will fold means. Does it mean a turkey plays poker? does it mean that turkeys have the ability to make oragami? or are their bodies themselves foldable? THAT's what i'm confused about, and i've been wondering the whole time through this musical. HOW can a turkey fold? Their brains are much too small to play poker or do oragami. AND they are much too fat to fold ( trust me, i've tried folding turkey to fit more in my mouth on thanksgiving... if it's hard when they're cut apart, how much harder would it be for them to fold when they're alive and whole???). Anyways, that's the kunundrum of the day....

So i went to school today for a brief moment. I went to get some tickets for steph and jeanette. It was funny cuz people are like... where have you been, mr. perfect attendance?? I just smile guiltily and walk off.... Then i walk in and in the middle of the quad are 4 swai guys doing karoke to cry me a river and apparantly, 2 or 3 of them are swearing into the mikes cuz they don't know the song... so the whole time, they go on going man, i don't know this,... hahahahahahaha.... i felt bad for them... anyways... i get the tickets and MANDAC, one of the music teachers under Doc Felder and also the unofficial security official at our school spots me leaving school after brunch. He stops me and asks if i'm going to my car. I say no, he think's i'm cutting. So i tell him i'm supposed to be sick, but my mother sent me to get tickets. He looks at me, the smiles, and roars out in laughter, and goes... alright you can go. If i knew cutting was that easy and it didn't make me feel guilty and if it weren't against the rules, i would do it all the time!

so yeah, i went home and slept. I didn't want to watch tv, cuz tv's stupid. mucho stupido. But i watched pleasantville. I liked the concept... but the message kinda didn't make sense to me. they gave no answer to what was supposed to happen...i think there wasn't supposed to be an answer... it was just a analysis of the drudgery of modern society and the "perfect" society of the fifties... but in the end they said one should prefer the drudgery and brokenness and sadness today for the expense of being dangerous, free, and loud. I love being dangerous, free, and loud, but i do believe that there should be a responsibility for those freedoms... It never gave a solution to the negative consequences of that freedom. It just said EMBRACE the negative consequences! made me kinda wish we were close minded black and white people... but the world doesn't work that way, does it? I think... hm... this is going to come off really cheesy... but i think being black and white is worth keeping because i know i'll experience colors more beautiful and vibrant, and pleasure more beautiful and vibrant in the end... than instant pleasures of color that we can't handle at the moment. The thing i'm really wondering- Were we ready for "color"? meaning were we ready for that kind of freedom? I don't think the human race is ready for freedom... not even after thousands of years of civilization... no, we're not ready for that kind of freedom. We only mess it up all the time. It's the exact same thing that happened to Adam and Eve. They weren't ready for the freedom of knowledge... it's the same with us. If any of you have any time, you should read C.S. Lewis's Perelandra... gives a very good depiction of what i'm trying to say. I'm not making much sense on this... but one thing that's clear to me is that the only freedom in this universe is freedom in Christ. Freedom to do whatever we want, to be dangerous, to break taboos... that's more like bondage to me without Christ. The world's perception of freedom are chains in my eyes....

Well, enough with that. I'm really bored if i'm typing this much. I'm gonna be glad this week is over... musical will be over! that means my afternoons will be free again! to sleep! hooray!

i'm real frustrated. I just wrote a long blog, and something happened and it all got erased. poo to my computer.

Sorry, i'm back. I was doing a 40 day fast of internet surfing, and that includes blogging. Will say more later, but the Call was crazy. Change is coming. God, unify our church.