i'm sorry. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. please forgive me.

today i tried breaking out of the cycle. And the cycle bit back at me. It's going to be hard getting myself out of this one. But i know it is what i must do again. Time to get serious about this again.

it's hard to move on. God, move me out of this stagnancy... this crippling feeling. Help me not to get stuck. step by step... each one seems like i'm trudging through a swamp. Solid land is somewhere out there...

i wish i could blame something for the way I feel. But I promised God I wouldn't be bitter. I've been thinking. Maybe it's not ignoring who's fault it is. Maybe it's about acknowledging... if it's myself, if it's someone else, if it's God (*gasp! he's blaming GOD?)... and forgiving.

God, I'm not sure why you put me in this position. I was not planning for things to hurt like this. It doesn't make sense that this hurts so much. It goes against scenarios A, B AND C. I thought I was ready for this and I wouldn't experience pain. I thought obedience meant less pain. But I guess I was wrong. I guess I couldn't psych myself into not hurting. I guess I set myself up for pain. I guess I still have more to grow. I guess I'm still a loser who's still an awkward junior higher inside.

GOD- help me to still worship You, help me to accept your sovereignty. ARE you there? sometimes it feels like you're playing a game with my emotions. Sometimes I'm not sure if I should trust You anymore... but something just keeps me there... i think it's hope. It's hope that maybe you really do have a plan in all of this pain. It's hope that maybe I CAN fight through all of this, and not run away. It was always a fool's hope... but hope is hope.

I miss the days when I had no question about Your will. God... I want to know that feeling of trust and faith again...

it's one of those days when everything i had hoped for for months has proven to be an empty shell of a dream.

God, I'm tired of only seeing good things in my dreams. Why can't it ever happen in real life?

I can't concentrate on anything. i feel crippled and broken. I want to just crawl into my covers and hope to hide from all these things that keep tearing my heart apart.

I'm sorry I complain so much God. I know that I don't deserve all that I feel I deserve... Help me to be satisfied in Your grace.

I often wonder what would abraham have done if there was no ram to take the place of his firstborn. would he obey to the extreme of destroying everything that he hoped was the fulfillment of God's promise?

God, this is what i am tempted to feel towards you: confusion. bitterness. betrayal.

but no matter how much my emotions are screaming to feel those things, there's something inside of me that tells me to hold on to His plan. sometimes i think i'm an idiot for believing that.

i'm not sure if i understand you anymore.

It's all up you You now.

somehow...

ugh.

everything still feels like it's sitting in limbo.

i wish you would come closer yet go away at the same time.

i'm tormented inside by the mixture of feelings you evoke. I need to stop running away.

another work in progress:

Blinded Tenacity

I’ve been running away

From facing this fear

Now it’s got me surrounded

There’s no plan B this time

And I’m not gonna run anymore

I’m turning around to face this fear

I’m not gonna let it hold me down

It’s time to pick up my sword and fight

And yeah these scars still scream with pain

Glaring memories of battles lost

But then I see the fire in your eyes

Burns the hurt away

I’m not gonna lose again this time

I won’t let this fear steal my life away