i detest how there are holy spirit "fans" who just go to events to see some cool miracles. I am annoyed at people who change churches or fellowships just because they see that another fellowship has more "miracles". And it seems i'm not the only one...

"Unless you people see miraculous signs and wonders, you will never believe"
John 4:48
"Oh unbelieving generation, how long shall I stay with you? how long shall I put up with you?"
Mark 9:26
“This is a wicked generation. It asks for a miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah."
Luke 11:29
The Pharisees came and began to question Jesus. To test him, they asked him for a sign from heaven. He sighed deeply and said, “Why does this generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the truth, no sign will be given to it.”
Mark 8:11-12

jesus gets mad a few more times in the gospels for people being so consumed for a miraculous sign that they lose sight of the real sign- Jesus Christ himself.

please stop this fraudulent charismatic culture- it gives the conservative side of the church good grounds for accusations on why charismatic christianity is unfounded and based on emotions.

and conservative church, you're not safe either. I just have no energy to be mad at you too.

All of this would be solved if people would stop having pride and both sides were able to keep eachother accountable in their weaknesses and compliment eachother with their strengths. Unfortunately, that requires humility, which is something hard to find these days.

this has been a tough half quarter for me. At the end of every single week, it feels like God has broken me to the limit, and i'm as bare as can be. Then God proves that wrong the next week. I feel like Abram right now. God kept promising him a son, but the odds just kept going against it, even after he had his son when he had to sacrifice him. It feels the same with my calling to join the movement of unity on the UCSD campus. I go through the huge battle this break of deciding not to do EAP next year to stay at UCSD to join God in whatever work there is to bring fellowships together, and it just seemed every single week i got back, something worse happens, and other things get me depressed (school, people.... school). But the end of this week felt different. Yeah, i felt torn apart again, but somehow hope is sprinkled in my distress... A supernatural hope, mind you. I don't think it's very easy to have hope considering some of these situations i'm in... but nonetheless, there is hope.

I wonder how long this tearing apart and brokenness will last... my spirit, mind, soul, heart and body are tired. I need those streams of refreshing, Holy Spirit.

i remember those days when the dream of God's movement was burned on my heart. I think back and wonder how much that has changed, because every time God reveals it to me in my heart to the fullest, he says, NO, there's more, and brings more completion to the picture, and then each time i reach that completion, i realize again and again that there is more. Yes. it has changed. Sometimes it feels like i've forgotten it, but that's not the case. God has transformed it and refined it. He has been bringing me nearer and nearer to His heart. I realize that if it were all revealed to me at once, i would have immediately given up and called it a fools hope. But instead, God gave me a small dream and slowly stretched it out, until it was completely different from what it was in the beginning...

the beginning was so long ago...

it feels like every time progress in the things God has called me to, there come road blocks that bring me back to desperation and dependence on God, and an abandoning of dependence on myself.

God, use me as an Esther...

more lives stolen from this generation... in sixth college... in lynbrook...

Dear Satan,
STOP STEALING MY GENERATION. YOUR FUTILE ATTEMPTS TO DESTROY US WILL NOT SUCCEED. THE COMPASSION AND LOVE OF MY GOD FOR US IS GREATER THAN YOUR THIRST TO KILL US. THE REVOLUTION MY GOD HAS PLANNED FOR THIS GENERATION CANNOT BE STOPPED. YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE UP NOW.

from the thorn in your side that you always try to annoy back,
from a servant of the Lord most High
daniel lui

i can't believe we argue so much in the church and cling to our politics... when there is a generation dying out there... what the hell is going on...

we are too busy arguing to even put a flag at half staff or have a moment of silence for those passing away... to do something about those that are dying around us everyday... we have such hard and cold hearts. Teach us to have compassion again, oh God.

hosanna (the hebrew word for “Save!”)...
---
or maybe i don't know what i'm talking about. how can i be so sad if i don't even really know these people? am i just feeling too much? but i would rather feel too much than be a cold rock.

the weather has been good for me... These spring-like high-70's days have really been refreshing for me after 3 weeks straight of rain. The air is warmer at night, and the stars seem to shine with greater brilliance. You should have seen it tonight... Orion on the left, the half moon on the right. In between them was the library towering in a glowing solemnity. A star blazed its path above them. In that solitude, i was able to just sit and know that God was God. I haven't been able to do that for a long time. Even though this night's beauty was crated by the solitude, i wish that there was someone to share it with. I'm going to need to get people to go with me next time i go.

I hope there are more spring-like days in the middle of January.

I'm realizing that my 2 year stay with on campus housing is coming to an end soon. I'm going to miss going to Warren Mall and laying down there by myself in the middle of the night. I'll have to find another solitude spot after i move to wherever i live next year. I'm going to miss this one.

--------------
two songs really hit me while sitting there (my ipod was playing on random)... especially the first one. its honesty and desperation struck me the most.

"Secret Of The Easy Yoke"
pedro the lion

i could hear the church bells ringing
they pealed aloud your praise
the members faces were smiling
with their hands out stretched to shake
it's true they did not move me
my heart was hard and tired
their perfect fire annoyed me
i could not find you anywhere

could someone please tell me the story
of sinners ransomed from the fall
i still have never seen you
and some days i don't love you at all

the devoted were wearing bracelets
to remind them why they came
some concrete motivation
when the abstract could not do the same
but if all that's left is duty
i'm falling on my sword
at least then i would not serve
an unseen distant lord

if this is only a test
i hope that i'm passing
cause i'm losing steam
and i still want to trust you

peace be still

Thank You For Saving Me
delirious

Thank you for saving me, what can I say?
You are my everything, I will sing your praise.
You shed your for me, what can I say?
You took my sin and shame,
a sinner called by name.

Great is the Lord,
Great is the Lord,
For we know your truth has set us free,
You've set your hope in me.

Mercy and grace are mine, forgiven is my sin,
Jesus my only hope, the Saviour of the world.
"Great is the Lord" we cry,
God let your kingdom come,
Your word has let me see,
thank you for saving me!

i'm tired of this lonliness
i'm tired of these substitutes to make it feel like it's not here
i'm tired of being everyone's friend but not really having any at all.
i'm tired of being in the center of everything, yet in reality, i am in the fringes of it all.
i'm tired of getting stretched out
i'm tired of trying to live in two worlds at the same time
i'm tired of futily trying to bring them together

i'm tired of myself.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.
i surrender.

i surrender.

i comtemplated why it was worth living today. it's hard to see personal purpose when you can't see your own community. It was so hard to see reality. It was so easy to give up to myself instead of to God. I almost came to the conclusion that it wasn't worth living anymore. i was so tired. tired of all this crap. tired of ideals. tired of purity. tired of love. tired of giving and never having the sense of receiving. it's so draining. and it never really becomes reality to me. it all just stays an ideal. in this darkness of lonliness, it becomes so easy to give up.

But i refuse to lose sight of reality. I refuse to lose sight of that light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to let depression take hold. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse. I refuse.

where is that voice i so need to hear? that voice that calmly says
"you are not alone"
"Every dream i put in your heart is a promise, and I don't break promises"
"you are not alone"
"There is still hope"
"you are not alone"
"I will guide you through the valley of darkness"
"you are not alone"
"I will bring the divided pieces of your life together"
"you are not alone"
"You are my beloved"
"you are not alone"

i need to hear You... I need to see You... sin, confusion, apathy and pride block my senses. Come pierce through these lead plates.

i need victory... are You really the Lord that wins the battle for all those kings that loved You? Why is it I feel like i am losing this battle? do I not love You enough? but how could they love You enough also? is it really humanly possible to love You enough? i am so damn confused.

what do I do?

Psalm 3
A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.
1 O LORD , how many are my foes!
How many rise up against me!
2 Many are saying of me,
"God will not deliver him."
Selah [a]

God, it seems as if there is no way out. It seems the difficulties keep rising up in front of me. My fear takes control of me, and it is hard to see the victory You have promised.

3 But you are a shield around me, O LORD ;
you bestow glory on me and lift [b] up my head.
4 To the LORD I cry aloud,
and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah

Come intervene and be that shield around me. Help me to see that You are already there surrounding me. I praise You oh Lord for You give me shelter. You hear my cry for help and you never fail to answer. Your answers bring in its wake Your holiness from which they came from.

5 I lie down and sleep;
I wake again, because the LORD sustains me.
6 I will not fear the tens of thousands
drawn up against me on every side.

You give me peace to sleep without worrying. I can live life knowing that You are keeping watch over me at all times. No enemy can come near me without You knowing. You sustain me. You protect me. You empower me. Even if the legions of the enemy arise upon me on every side, still I will not falter. Your power chases away my fear, along with the things I fear.

7 Arise, O LORD !
Deliver me, O my God!
Strike all my enemies on the jaw;
break the teeth of the wicked.

ARISE O GOD OF HEAVEN! Come and deliver me! Here my desperate cry for intervention. May you come invade these situations that keep taunting me. And may you strike their mouths so that taunts may no longer come out from them. Break the sharp teeth that have held me in fear for so long. SET ME FREE FROM THIS OPPRESSOR. Oh God of victory, prove that you are the God of victory.

8 From the LORD comes deliverance.
May your blessing be on your people.
Selah

You come to bring salvation to me. May there be blessings in the wings of salvation.