man been a while...
just letting you guys know i'm still alive.
I'm trying not to be on the internet so much this week, so yeah, sorry everyone (meaning nobody) who reads this sometimes.
thanks all the cool people who gave me my artificial sense of popularity with the crush grams. hahahahahaha

Something my friend wrote about CCLR that i think sums up what God's message was that weekend...

Lazarus was dead for four days and the tomb that he was in stunk. Our clubs might stink and smell bad from all the leadership arguments and the lack of commitment and stuff that tears our clubs apart, but Jesus commanded Lazarus to rise, I believe that when Jesus calls, all the bickering and little stupid stuff we do will not matter. we will rise as one body of Christ into our campuses, and we are going to take them over with God's love! Woo Hoo!!

i really feel like writing... i really feel like pouring out.... but when i look inside, it's confusing. It can't be translated onto paper or computer screen. I don't know what it is. I don't know what to make of it.

GOD I NEED YOUR LIGHT.
burn away these doubts
burn away these regrets
burn me away...

and i want to soar again
I want to fly on wings unhindered

there's a leash that's been thrown around my neck
It won't shake off, i can't chew it off...

it being around my neck, i don't even know what it looks like
what is this bane that has clawed on my back?

give me a wall to back into...
crush this curse...

please pray for me. a strange spirit of depression is on me... well it's not exactly depression... just a lot of feeling of regret, frustration, and defeat that came out of nowhere. don't know why i'm feeling it. That's why i'm worried... there must be a reason why.

The heaviness comes upon my back, and i don't know how to shake it off. somebody talk to me before i go insane in this puddle of stress. the worst part of it is that the stress doesn't really need to exist, and i'm not sure if it even does... yet i feel it.

hm... it's weird. maybe it's God telling me something... or maybe it's an attack. Well, hopefully tonight at prayer meeting i'll get some answers... i need to rediscover the voice of God.

some people get so caught up in their own worlds, they forget about the bigger picture...
Sometimes i feel like i'm so caught up in the bigger picture, i forget about my own world.
is it wrong?

My own world can go on autodrive only so long... and then it breaks down...
God, help me be balanced.